The first shots of an impending worldwide conflict have been fired, and to the surprise of the international community they have come from Canada. This morning at approximately 3AM PDT, a slew of Tony Hawk missiles were launched from The Royal Canadian Air Force Base Comox, off the coast of British Columbia. The missiles trajectory took them halfway across the globe to North Korean air base Banghyon where they unleashed their payload. Footage obtained from the flyover showed the missiles were not in fact carrying explosives, but rather something altogether more nefarious.
Strapped to each rocket, armed with regulation sticks and pucks were captains of the NHL’s leading hockey teams. From their vantage point in the sky, the players rained down a barrage of slapshots at strategically targeted locations within the base. Faces, crotches and even newly purchased iPhones fell victim to the not so deadly assault. As the success of the mission was imperative, Oiler’s captain Connor McDavid was not asked to participate. After the first wave another volley of missiles flew by, this time dropping handwritten postcards with the word “sorry”.
The UN was quick to decry this unilateral attack as illegal, but Trudeau asserts that it was in fact a peacekeeping mission. The timing of the attacks coinciding with US Vice President Mike Pence visiting the Korean Demilitarized Zone for a Top Gun cosplaying convention has many claiming collusion.
Adding jet fuel to these rumors was Prime Minister Trudeau appointing himself ambassador and bottom bitch to the United States. In his weekly podcast Press Secretary Sean Spicer unequivocally denied these allegations. Minutes later on twitter, Donald Trump proceeded to let the cat out the bag, and into his palm.
In the wake of the attack, North Korea threatened to launch an attack of its own, and quickly garnered support from China and Russia. The US in turn expressed that it would consider any retaliation towards Canada an act of war. Mediation talks were held in the UN where it was decided the conflict would be settled by an exhibition hockey tournament. The impromptu games featured world leaders and was held in the Air Canada Centre earlier this evening. The first round saw North Korea disqualified after Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un ordered the assassination of a a referee who penalized him for manipulating the scoreboard. Before the first puck had been dropped North Korea had a lead of 99999 to 1.
In an unprecedented move Team Canada and Team USA combined forces to form a single team known as NATO. NATO achieved victory over the People’s Republic of China thanks in no small part to a hat-trick by Trudeau. Unfortunately the Prime Minister was incapacitated in the last period after a dirty from behind body check into the boards delivered by American traitor Yao Ming.
The finals saw NATO squaring off against Team Russia led by Vladimir Putin. The head of the Kremlin swore to avenge fallen comrade North Korea and claimed that a victory on the ice would be a precursor to full out nuclear war. With most of its members having trained in the KGB, Russia dominated well into the last few minutes of the game.
All hope seemed lost for the western world when retired number one draft pick Barack Obama was brought into the fray. Utilizing his natural black athleticism, and advanced rhetoric skills to reinvigorate his teammates, Barry gave NATO the necessary edge to bounce back and cinch the victory with a buzzer beating assist from Crosby.
Once again preventing the annihilation of the human race, in his victory speech President Obama reminded us all the importance of unity. From the penalty box Donald Trump was seen scoffing and mouthing “yeah right”. Tensions remain high as North Korea has promised retribution of sorts. But for now peace remains, thanks in no small part to Kenyan with a dream.